I remember the first time I felt it — being invisible. I was in my co-working office with a bunch of other entrepreneurs. Everyone was significantly younger than me, except for one man. The funny thing is the couple of times I felt it there, it was younger women looking past me. It felt very weird. I didn’t like it.
That's a horrible experience, Lisa. Being slighted by other women is always hurtful, especially when they are younger! Education is the answer. After all, all women, if they are fortunate, will eventually reach 60 and beyond! I think we are doing a good job on that front here on Substack :-) Apology for not seeing your comment earlier.
When I worked in a nonprofit organization, which in general were known for low paying jobs, I attended a workshop hosted by the United Way. When attendees complained about the assumption that we had to work hours far longer than the standard 40, the presenter got on her soapbox and said, we were perpetuating that assumption ourselves. That we needed to stand up for ourselves and the rules of employment.
I take that message now. I’m almost 72 but have the attitude of, well today, 48. People are surprised when they ask my age.
The one place I have felt invisible is at the doctor’s office. As soon as they find something wrong, I feel they put you in this old age classification and are not proactive.
From now on, when I have a doctor’s appointment, I’m going to dress younger and go in with my youthful attitude and make sure I’m heard.
Hi Kathy, I just read your fab post. I love how you describe that with a ‘poof’, we suddenly disappear! Of course, the psychologists had to come in with their damn ‘syndromes’: the Invisible Woman Syndrome. Yee Gods!
And yet we are so visible right here, in our words and stories. We are visible to one another, and we count. I still use colorizing conditioner, I still use moisturizer with a pinkish tint, I still wear bright colors, and I still publish love stories about women over fifty. As Leonard Cohen said, "Ring the bells that still can ring."
I’m still relatively new to Substack, and I’m blown away by the depth of life experiences shared by so many women here. It’s beautiful, touching, and relatable. I have to watch myself; otherwise, I could lose hours reading posts! Once my book is launched, I’m planning to do a research study on how many women on Substack are publishing/self-publishing books. I’d love to put you on the list!
An interesting way to put into words the seasons of a woman’s life. I enjoyed Becoming “Invisible”. Could see myself in every sentence. Thank you for sharing it.
I enjoy the journey you portrayed. It has some variations for men because our physical systems don't undergo the radical changes you ladies experience but there were relatable moments.
You must have a creative group to come up with such interesting topics.
This is one of the reasons I avoided going gray for so long. Then Covid made it kind of the thing to do. Now I'm gray and and natural and loving it! I've also started writing seriously at 59, so I think that "older" women starting to write is definitely a thing and I'm all for it!
Gosh, I am prepared for people to stop admiring my body, but for noone to be interested in what I think sounds truly heart-breaking! I'm 51 and appreciating hearing these insights from women a few steps ahead of me down the road 🙏
Hi Vicki, It’s so wonderful to have a forum like Substack where women can share their thoughts and insights. Of course, there was no internet or social media when it started to happen for me (the sudden shock of the appearance of lines around my eyes), and then the invisibility gradually snuck up on me!
Yes me too! I'm 52 and had not thought of that, but I think back to my grandmother and mother in a room and us looking on them with fondness rather than as older adults with opinions suitable for discussion. Hmmm will be watching out for that and nipping it in the bud.
I often have to remind myself of my own somewhat patronizing attitudes and behavior towards older people when I was young and knew everything. It makes me wince but also helps me tolerate it a little better. Someday they'll understand!
YES! I wince too when I think back. I think I will prepare myself and get a badge made 'Don't Infantilize Me. I have been through the crap you are going through!"
We can call it the Bad Ass Older and Wiser range of clothing and houseware. We'll need beach towels too, to use on our yachts that we will buy from the profit. :D
Wow! Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing. There must be some kind of broader connection that has us voicing about the life phases of women because I have read a few and today I just published my own thoughts on it.
So much to reflect on here. Maybe this is why so many famous older women become reclusive. I always thought of it as tragic, but if society treats you as if you're not wanted, why not bow out gracefully and find other pleasures in life? I used to love cities and parties and nightlife but now I love gardens and birds and shepherding goats. An old friend my age, a man, is quite disapproving, I think, though he doesn't say so outright. He still lives in a tiny city apartment and does most of the same urbanite things we used to do. Men are treated better, but I know he feels his age too. "Il faut faire un effort quand même" he would say, you have to make an effort anyway. But for me it's just not enjoyable anymore, been there done that. I experience the pop psychology truism "You must go out and do social and cultural things for your mental health" as scoldy shaming. Why? There are other ways to find congenial company and mental stimulation, especially now that the world is at my fingertips on my phone. Backyard homesteading is my new passion and I'm busy and happy and healthier than ever. Like Voltaire's Candide, I've seen plenty of the world and am happy now to cultivate my garden.🌻
I lived in London from the age of 19 to 54, and have lived deep in rural Ireland for the last 6 years, and do not feel any sense of 'loss' of stimulation... in fact, my inner life is richer for the quiet, and the few 'cultural' events that I do attend are appreciated much more. I recall how Brigit Bardot was/is ridiculed for withdrawing from the world to focus on animals, and how blithely she would bat away those that expected her to be 'devastated' by her old age looks. I have so many books to read (and write) and, as you say, stimulating intellectual company to be found online... I am happy to finally let my introverted self have the room she needs to flourish. And to have time to plant a garden for the first time in my life... xx
I remember those articles about Brigit Bardot! Your life in rural Ireland sounds wonderful; I’ve always wanted to visit there. I believe there’s a River Slaney there!
I am rediscovering parts of me that were buried in everyday crap. I unearth them like a archeologist of my own life. I am learning also to say "screw that" more often and more at ease...🥰🥰🥰
Absolutely we are hidden treasures! We have had so much experience and have acquired so much wisdom. For those who don’t see or appreciate that, well it’s their loss ☺️
Family and friends and groups of 'mothers' have been ignoring me since my 40s when it became clear I had aged out of the possibility of ever being a biological mother. And so I have been looking within and creating a rich internal life ever since... I wrote the first draft of the article you reference above at 51... now almost 60, it still surprises me that the woman in the mirror is so much older and less visually appealing to me than the one in my mind's eye, the form that from 15-44 walked a few paces ahead of me and opened the world's doors for me... But as I feel into the difference between me and my saggy double, talk about it, write about it, I find that there are riches yet to be explored - by myself. As my body ages, the world withdraws from me and, finally, my body is my own again, to inhabit unbothered by the the expectations of others. I can be a rebel whilst standing perfectly still, hidden in this flesh and refusing to look away from it. Perhaps every old woman is a hidden treasure?
Absolutely every older woman is a hidden treasure! But do we recognise it too late? Alternatively, if we ourselves are the older woman, are we active in passing on our stories, our experiences and what we’ve learnt from them? When it comes to older women writing on Substack, it’s an absolute treasure house! I’m still new here, but astounded by the variety and richness of what is offered. The biggest challenge is finding the time to read all the brilliant contributions!
I remember the first time I felt it — being invisible. I was in my co-working office with a bunch of other entrepreneurs. Everyone was significantly younger than me, except for one man. The funny thing is the couple of times I felt it there, it was younger women looking past me. It felt very weird. I didn’t like it.
That's a horrible experience, Lisa. Being slighted by other women is always hurtful, especially when they are younger! Education is the answer. After all, all women, if they are fortunate, will eventually reach 60 and beyond! I think we are doing a good job on that front here on Substack :-) Apology for not seeing your comment earlier.
Thanks for your comment, Kisane. You’re right, education is the answer.
Bear with me now —
When I worked in a nonprofit organization, which in general were known for low paying jobs, I attended a workshop hosted by the United Way. When attendees complained about the assumption that we had to work hours far longer than the standard 40, the presenter got on her soapbox and said, we were perpetuating that assumption ourselves. That we needed to stand up for ourselves and the rules of employment.
I take that message now. I’m almost 72 but have the attitude of, well today, 48. People are surprised when they ask my age.
The one place I have felt invisible is at the doctor’s office. As soon as they find something wrong, I feel they put you in this old age classification and are not proactive.
From now on, when I have a doctor’s appointment, I’m going to dress younger and go in with my youthful attitude and make sure I’m heard.
Thanks for this discussion Kisane!
Brilliant attitude, Marylee - go you!!!
Thank you Kisane!! We do our best!
A post I wrote originally on my blog, bklynraised.com but put on Substack recently
https://kathynapoli.substack.com/p/unheard-and-invisible?r=3h9r3m
Thanks for your Invisible post!
Hi Kathy, I just read your fab post. I love how you describe that with a ‘poof’, we suddenly disappear! Of course, the psychologists had to come in with their damn ‘syndromes’: the Invisible Woman Syndrome. Yee Gods!
And yet we are so visible right here, in our words and stories. We are visible to one another, and we count. I still use colorizing conditioner, I still use moisturizer with a pinkish tint, I still wear bright colors, and I still publish love stories about women over fifty. As Leonard Cohen said, "Ring the bells that still can ring."
I’m still relatively new to Substack, and I’m blown away by the depth of life experiences shared by so many women here. It’s beautiful, touching, and relatable. I have to watch myself; otherwise, I could lose hours reading posts! Once my book is launched, I’m planning to do a research study on how many women on Substack are publishing/self-publishing books. I’d love to put you on the list!
An interesting way to put into words the seasons of a woman’s life. I enjoyed Becoming “Invisible”. Could see myself in every sentence. Thank you for sharing it.
Thanks for the feedback Kathy. It wasn’t quite what my writing group expected, but it sure got a good laugh!
Ohhh not ready to not be heard, but you are so right, that happens. Hadn't thought of that before. Might become a hermit.
HaHa! At least you’re prepared for the subtle messages coming your way!
I enjoy the journey you portrayed. It has some variations for men because our physical systems don't undergo the radical changes you ladies experience but there were relatable moments.
You must have a creative group to come up with such interesting topics.
Keep going.
Thanks for the encouragement, Larry!
This is one of the reasons I avoided going gray for so long. Then Covid made it kind of the thing to do. Now I'm gray and and natural and loving it! I've also started writing seriously at 59, so I think that "older" women starting to write is definitely a thing and I'm all for it!
Hi Cindy, congrats … you are on your way now!
Gosh, I am prepared for people to stop admiring my body, but for noone to be interested in what I think sounds truly heart-breaking! I'm 51 and appreciating hearing these insights from women a few steps ahead of me down the road 🙏
Hi Vicki, It’s so wonderful to have a forum like Substack where women can share their thoughts and insights. Of course, there was no internet or social media when it started to happen for me (the sudden shock of the appearance of lines around my eyes), and then the invisibility gradually snuck up on me!
Yes me too! I'm 52 and had not thought of that, but I think back to my grandmother and mother in a room and us looking on them with fondness rather than as older adults with opinions suitable for discussion. Hmmm will be watching out for that and nipping it in the bud.
Good for you Rosie! Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes!
I often have to remind myself of my own somewhat patronizing attitudes and behavior towards older people when I was young and knew everything. It makes me wince but also helps me tolerate it a little better. Someday they'll understand!
You and me both, Brigid. When we are younger, it’s an awareness just not on our radar!
YES! I wince too when I think back. I think I will prepare myself and get a badge made 'Don't Infantilize Me. I have been through the crap you are going through!"
OMG, I can just see it on T-shirts and mugs; the sky’s the limit!!!
We can call it the Bad Ass Older and Wiser range of clothing and houseware. We'll need beach towels too, to use on our yachts that we will buy from the profit. :D
I’m giving this serious thought Rosie!!!
Wow! Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing. There must be some kind of broader connection that has us voicing about the life phases of women because I have read a few and today I just published my own thoughts on it.
I'll share it just in case you are interested...
https://open.substack.com/pub/womenscycleawareness/p/is-it-just-a-phase?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=18pm6g
Thanks, Jess. I’m going to read your post as soon as I’ve responded to all the comments, which I only just realised were here!
So much to reflect on here. Maybe this is why so many famous older women become reclusive. I always thought of it as tragic, but if society treats you as if you're not wanted, why not bow out gracefully and find other pleasures in life? I used to love cities and parties and nightlife but now I love gardens and birds and shepherding goats. An old friend my age, a man, is quite disapproving, I think, though he doesn't say so outright. He still lives in a tiny city apartment and does most of the same urbanite things we used to do. Men are treated better, but I know he feels his age too. "Il faut faire un effort quand même" he would say, you have to make an effort anyway. But for me it's just not enjoyable anymore, been there done that. I experience the pop psychology truism "You must go out and do social and cultural things for your mental health" as scoldy shaming. Why? There are other ways to find congenial company and mental stimulation, especially now that the world is at my fingertips on my phone. Backyard homesteading is my new passion and I'm busy and happy and healthier than ever. Like Voltaire's Candide, I've seen plenty of the world and am happy now to cultivate my garden.🌻
Wow, Brigid, you’ve really been thinking about this and found your peace!
I lived in London from the age of 19 to 54, and have lived deep in rural Ireland for the last 6 years, and do not feel any sense of 'loss' of stimulation... in fact, my inner life is richer for the quiet, and the few 'cultural' events that I do attend are appreciated much more. I recall how Brigit Bardot was/is ridiculed for withdrawing from the world to focus on animals, and how blithely she would bat away those that expected her to be 'devastated' by her old age looks. I have so many books to read (and write) and, as you say, stimulating intellectual company to be found online... I am happy to finally let my introverted self have the room she needs to flourish. And to have time to plant a garden for the first time in my life... xx
I remember those articles about Brigit Bardot! Your life in rural Ireland sounds wonderful; I’ve always wanted to visit there. I believe there’s a River Slaney there!
I am rediscovering parts of me that were buried in everyday crap. I unearth them like a archeologist of my own life. I am learning also to say "screw that" more often and more at ease...🥰🥰🥰
Me too!
Absolutely we are hidden treasures! We have had so much experience and have acquired so much wisdom. For those who don’t see or appreciate that, well it’s their loss ☺️
Family and friends and groups of 'mothers' have been ignoring me since my 40s when it became clear I had aged out of the possibility of ever being a biological mother. And so I have been looking within and creating a rich internal life ever since... I wrote the first draft of the article you reference above at 51... now almost 60, it still surprises me that the woman in the mirror is so much older and less visually appealing to me than the one in my mind's eye, the form that from 15-44 walked a few paces ahead of me and opened the world's doors for me... But as I feel into the difference between me and my saggy double, talk about it, write about it, I find that there are riches yet to be explored - by myself. As my body ages, the world withdraws from me and, finally, my body is my own again, to inhabit unbothered by the the expectations of others. I can be a rebel whilst standing perfectly still, hidden in this flesh and refusing to look away from it. Perhaps every old woman is a hidden treasure?
Absolutely every older woman is a hidden treasure! But do we recognise it too late? Alternatively, if we ourselves are the older woman, are we active in passing on our stories, our experiences and what we’ve learnt from them? When it comes to older women writing on Substack, it’s an absolute treasure house! I’m still new here, but astounded by the variety and richness of what is offered. The biggest challenge is finding the time to read all the brilliant contributions!
Beautifully said/written.
Thanks Rosie x