What 😲 They’re Still Having Sex?
Better Believe it!
It’s Christmas, so let’s end with something a little bit spicy!
Background
I read Susan Wilner Golden’s book ‘Stage (Not Age): How to Understand and Serve People Over 60—the Fastest Growing, Most Dynamic Market in the World’) to discover how useful her concepts are for us 60s-plus female authors.
Golden suggests we reimagine the life course that can span one hundred years, where more than half of the people who reach eighty-five will be in good health. Here, her concept of healthspan, compared to lifespan, is extremely useful (see The New Multistage/Longevity Customer).
Her 5Qs (see The Shift From Age to Stage: Why Should We Care) outline the varied life stages individuals live through, which provides us 60-plus writers with a far more nuanced approach to our stories about older people.
We are still in the early years of reimagining ‘how best to take advantage of an extra thirty or forty years of life.’ Golden calls this gift of extra time ‘furtherhood’, conveying an imagining and redefinition of our own purpose through many further stages of life. As she states: ‘It’s not an ending but a series of new beginnings.’
After updating our understanding of longevity and exploring the opportunities and challenges of the new demographic reality, Golden encourages readers to identify market gaps.
What amazed me was that in the thirty-five resources for entrepreneurs that I scanned at the end of the book, there was no reference to ‘sexuality’ or ‘sex’. Not in the innovative hubs and labs, newsletters and websites, resources and initiatives to address ageism, resources on caregiving, or books, reports and articles. Everything from housing to home modification, telehealth, fintech, and SilverSneakers was covered, but not sex!
And whilst all of the aforementioned longevity opportunities and challenges are important, it seems to me that the sex lives of older people, given that more people will be in good health well into their eighties, will be extremely relevant to our readers.
Bingo – gap identified!
What The…?
Is this really a ‘no-go’ conversation?
So, I started looking around and found a lively conversation about sex and older people happening on Substack!
There are relevant books on Amazon, but not nearly as many as I might have expected to be published in the 21st Century. I also found conversations about sex, 60s and beyond, in the online sphere, for example, in the online magazine Sixty and Me.
So, let’s get started with an article that I’m guessing might make our children and older grandchildren gasp! It’s a doozy!
The Question
A recently divorced woman contemplating moving into a retirement village asked this question of Rachel Lane, a retirement living and aged care specialist who answers questions online every month.
The question was: ‘One thing I’ve been wondering about is what happens if I get a “toy boy”? Will he be able to visit and stay with me in the village?’
The short answer was ‘yes’, given that residents can have guests visit and stay over. ‘After all, it is your home,’ Rachel states.
However, I suspect the response to this question will depend to a great extent on which retirement village a resident lives in. I intend to make enquiries!
If you are a fiction writer, the mind boggles to think how this scenario could be played out 😂
As a non-fiction writer, this could lead to fascinating research for a chapter in a book on life in a progressive retirement village.
The Conversations
Following on from the question above, Suzanne Noble, in her Substack newsletter ‘Sex Advice for Seniors’, opens up the conversation of Destigmatising Sex in Later Life. She outlines five key points for our sexual health if we wish to enjoy fulfilling sexual lives as we age.
There is also a Sex Advice for Seniors podcast. A great episode to listen to first is Episode 112: Writing Erotica for the Oldies, where Suzanne interviews Stella Fosse, who is also on Substack. You will learn the difference between erotica and romance and how older women writing erotica can challenge societal norms and stereotypes. Furthermore, older romance characters provide relatable role models for readers.
Suzanne wrote a Note on Substack telling the story of how a guy visits her every Sunday afternoon for mutually satisfying sex. The note received 1,292 likes and 83 comments! Check out the second comment for details of an even more creative arrangement! Comments were also made about white privileges and disadvantages.
Ann Richardson, in her Substack newsletter ‘The Granny Who Stands On Her Head’, asks ‘When Do People Stop Having Sex?’ and tells a beautiful story about her father.
In her Substack newsletter [B]old Age with Debbie Weil, Debbie writes a touching account of ‘What sex is like at 73’. Debbie states she is ‘tired of being polite and shutting up about forbidden topics’.
In Emily Nagoski and Robyn Manning’s May 31 post ‘How To Talk About Sex’ in Emily’s Substack newsletter ‘Confidence and Joy’, Emily states that the question of how to have a hard or awkward conversation about sex with someone comes up multiple times from her book tour audience. She states that ‘the way to talk about sex has less to do with the content of the conversation than the structure and context of the conversation.’ She then outlines four things to think about and consider before talking to someone about sex.
Emily and Robyn also have a podcast called ‘The Feminist Survival Project’, which can be followed on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and YouTube.
The Books
Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection, also by Emily Nagoski, PhD, 2024. In her book, Emily addresses the subject of sex in long-term relationships. She dispels myths, such as the belief that sexual satisfaction and desire are highest at the beginning of a relationship and that they inevitably decline the longer the relationship lasts. This book follows on from her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, 2021, in which she revolutionised the way to think about women’s sexuality.
Another new release on how to talk about sex is Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Sex Life – from Sexpert couple Vanessa (Author) and Xander Marin, 2024. Sex Talks covers the five essential conversations every couple needs to have.
And to help you understand, pursue, and fulfil your sexual desires now and for the rest of your life – complete with worksheets and exercises - there’s Hot and Unbothered: How To Think About and Have The Sex You Really Want – Yana Tallon-Hicks, 2022.
On How To Write The Damn Thing!
My own novel has three different sex scenarios involving couples ranging from the naive to the seduced to the tender and romantic. Initially, I was so freaked out by the challenge of describing a sex scene that I glossed over the first scenario in a single paragraph! Subsequently, it became two chapters. I would love to have had the following resources.
Another one of our Substack superstars is Stella Fosse. I’ve taken her latest book to my Writing Group, suggesting we write a book together. Stella’s book is Write & Sell A Well-Seasoned Romance, 2024. This is a ‘how-to’ on writing and selling a ‘late-life romance’: an enticing story that meets genre and reader expectations.
And this is the book I really need for my next novel! It’s Stella’s Aphrodite’s Pen: The Power of Writing Erotica after Midlife, 2019. The book is designed for novice and seasoned writers and guides readers in creating saucy characters and plot, sensual dialogue and more. I can’t wait to read it!
Well, dear reader, I hope that whatever stage you are at in your life and your sexual journey, you will find this post helpful, whether it be for personal or writing purposes or both!
In Conclusion
So this is a wrap for 2024, my first nine months on Substack. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my posts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them for you.
I’m truly grateful for all my followers and readers, and my wonderful subscribers who’ve supported me with a financial contribution, even though I never managed to write any posts specifically for paid subscribers! Self-publishing my first novel and helping one of my daughters through a challenging period got the better of me.
Wishing you all a wonderful holiday break and best wishes for the New Year.
Kisane xoxo
P.S. For those who would like to read the first three chapters of my book…
Kisane, how did I miss this?!! this is a great post and an important one... and your list of resources to "learn more" is excellent. Thanks so much for including me!
I've just discovered Substack thanks to Suzanne Noble and her sex advice for Seniors. It's goldmine! Your Substack is full of great information for those of us who are aging but feel like we're young. Young but with the wisdom of experience. I've written two romance novels for the later in life group because as a older adult I couldn't find any main characters who were romantically interesting, who had sex and fun. Lots of 'crazy old coots' who were just in a story for laughs, but no vibrant normal people like most of my friends. It was insulting. Not to get me wrong. I love a steamy young person romance, love me some hot sex! But there's something about older characters who have more depth, who have a story to be told . There is an audience out there somewhere for those stories.